Exhausted

by Lorin Michel Tuesday, May 9, 2017 10:19 PM

I’m trying to remember a time when such a constant and overwhelming feeling of exhaustion existed, not just within me but throughout the entire country. I talk to my friends and my family and to a one, they all say that they are constantly checking the news, that every time they get an alert on their phone or iPad or fitness tracker proclaiming “breaking news” they – we – hold their breath. What the fuck has he done now? Oh my dog, what has happened now? Now? Now! 

It’s exhausting. The constant barrage of news and scandal and ridiculousness and ineptness and fear. It’s frightening. It’s demoralizing. It’s embarrassing. It’s the United States of America.

I find no solace in the fact that more of us voted against this evil creature than voted for. I find no tolerance in me to understand why people support him. I simply don’t understand how anyone could support the indignities that are happening, the lawlessness that is excused, the lack of spine in anyone in elected office to support the country rather than the party. 

Climate change. Water regulations. Help for the poor. Cruel deportations. Health care. 

The evil that men do.

It gets to me, the constancy of it, the inability to relax. It permeates my sleep hours. It forces me to continually check my sources throughout the day to make sure that nothing catastrophic has happened in the last hour, the recent minutes. It’s amazing how many times something has happened. It’s not always horrible but it’s always depressing in some way. 

Maybe it’s because of who’s in the office. Perhaps it’s because of the complete lack of experience of everyone who’s in charge. It is because of those things and the fact that we have lost all credibility in the world, that we are on edge. It is because of the fact that we wait – in fear – for something truly awful to happen. A terror attack, a natural disaster, a shooting. What will happen then? Will we retaliate with the “power of God’s own thunder” to quote Josiah Bartlett? Will we launch a nuclear fusillade on North Korea? Will we declare martial law? Will tanks patrol the streets? Will journalists be jailed? Will anyone who’s not Caucasian be interned? Will women turn into handmaids?

It’s day 110. I’m exhausted. We’re all destroyed. And yet tomorrow will come, at least for the immediate future. I will sleep fitfully and awake to walk the dog, to drink coffee, to work. It’s strange how normal it all is when everything that swirls around is anything but.

We go on because there isn’t an alternative. We work, we cook dinner, we commiserate with friends; we drink wine and too much. We try to sleep and we awake unrested. 

Day 110. And nothing at all to celebrate.

Tags:

live out loud | Lost Soles

Comments (2) -

5/10/2017 10:45:43 AM #

"BREAKING NEWS"

Not every fucking development in the news is breaking news! I'm sick to death of that. Every TV journalist should be made to pick up a dictionary and look up the word "hyperbole".

Fred United States

5/11/2017 12:34:30 PM #

I'm with you, L. Just exhausted and frankly, scared. I'm not sure of what... uncertainty. Knowing we, as a country, aren't as infallible as we thought.

And as a therapist, I can't tell you how much it shows up in the room with clients. We are not alone.

Bobbi Jankovich United States

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