Like those insidious dead teenager movies that were so popular in the late 1970s and into the 80s, today was the release of Kevin and Lorin’s movie “Table saw: the final chapter.”
Scene 1.
It is the middle of the day. The sun is bright, the temperature is warm. The camera pans up to see storm clouds gathering in the distance. Ominous foreshadowing. The audience feels the foreboding but having paid the ticket price, they’re going along for the ride.
That ride begins with the filthy red Range Rover traveling west and away from the gathering storm, toward the freeway and the rental place that has promised to hold a lift-bed truck. It was ugly, gray and white, blue Penske lettering clearly printed on the side. Our hero gets out and disappears inside. The building is seedy. There are bars on the windows. As the door opens, inside several men can be seen, all with beer bellies and dirty beards. Our heroine wisely stays in the car.
HEROINE
I’ll stay here. Wave at me when it’s OK to leave.
He nods.
She sits in the car, constantly checking her mirrors. It is not the greatest part of town. These places are never in nice areas. She glances around nervously. Lightning flashes and she swallows hard. Her eyes train on to the door of the building. There is a sign on the door that is torn and taped, scribbled in black Sharpie. It says “office.” Finally, the door opens and the hero leans out. He waves.
She wonders if he’s being restrained since only part of him is visible and the door closes as quickly as it opens. She drives away anyway.
Scene 2.
Our heroes on jostling along in the rental truck.
HEROINE
I knew I should have worn a sports bra.
HERO
Doesn’t bother me.
She glares at him as they pull into the driveway to pickup the saw. Jim is waiting for them. He has a beer belly too, and a shock of twisted gray hair. He is wearing a turquoise striped t-shirt that is too small and plaid shorts.
JIM
I’ve been painting.
Scene 3.
The clouds are black above. Lightning flashes again. Thunder crashes. The rental truck backs up into the driveway of the heroe’s and the heroine’s house. Beep, beep, beep. It stops, the air brake is engaged. It sounds as if a dragon has been unleashed.
It is impossibly humid. 100º. The saw is lowered to the ground but they didn’t think about the lip into the garage and spend the next 45 minutes trying to figure out how to get the damned thing up and over the two inches in order to move on with their lives.
HEROINE
We could –
HERO
That won’t work.
HEROINE
Fine. You come up with something better. I’ll just stand
here and shut up since you don’t like anything I have
to say anyway.
HERO
We could –
HEROINE
That’s won’t work either.
They fight. She hits her shoulder on the corner and draws blood. He hits his head and does the same. Carnage ensues until the blasted table saw is finally secured in the garage and the two collapse into a heap of blood, sweat and tears amongst the sawdust. The saw laughs.
Just then, thunder rages above. Lightning strikes. The rain begins. Everybody dies? Fade out.
Epilogue.
The hero and the heroine, with their erstwhile puppy, are sitting at the bar, sipping a glass of Niner Syrah from 2010.
HEROINE
Hair on your chest wine.
HERO
At last fuzz on your chest.
They click their glasses as Armageddon begins. Scary music sounds.
In the garage, the saw springs to life on its own, its blade glinting with each flash of lightning. Somewhere there is sinister laughter. The table saw has a new home, new people to terrorize. Someone. Will. Pay.